Posts Tagged ‘Satire’

SAN DIEGO, CA – Having completed all the tasks they set for him, Sea World is set to release Michael Phelps back into the ocean on Tuesday, August 14th. Phelps helped the United States once again dominate the Olympics in total medals won.

“Michael has performed exactly as we had trained him,” said Nancy Mebane, a Sea World spokesman. “Everyone at Sea World, his trainers especially, are proud of Michael and we’re going to miss him as he swims away to rejoin his pod.”

Phelps became the most decorated Olympian winning a total of 22 medals during his captivity. Phelps contributed to the United States winning the most medals in the 2012 Olympics, 104 total, beating the next country, China, by 16 medals.

“We’re glad to have had Michael on our team,” said Scott Blackman, CEO of the US Olympics Committee. “It is fortunate for us that it was a US flagged fishing vessel’s net that Michael got tangled in all those years ago. He adapted to captivity well and was excited to get the job done. He is ready to head home now for a well deserved retirement.”

Phelps will perform one last show before he is released. “Yeah, I’m looking forward to swimming with Bullet and Gracie one more time,” Phelps said, referring to two of the dolphins he has been training with at Sea World. “They gave me some messages for their families but really, they’re happy to be doing what they do. They love being able to help lift humanity’s spirits and hope to help them grow as a species.”

Phelps final Sea World appearance will be in the Tuesday afternoon “An Ocean of Magic” dolphin show in San Diego. Sea World staff are keeping the time and location of his release secret.

The Minimialist Church

A Welcome Message from Our Pastor

Welcome!

Bert
Pastor Norbert Smith

Opportunities to Serve
Here at the Minimalist Church we want to make very sure that people don’t confuse busyness for discipleship so we don’t do anything. If you are doing something, it could be discipleship or it might not be. Better to just stop in order to be safe.

Church Worship Services
Worship is to be offered in a very precise manner so that God won’t be offended. Therefore we feel it is best left to professionals. Our worship services are twice yearly: Christmas and Easter. Come if you feel you must.

Sunday School
If you’re interested in teaching a Sunday school class at the church, please contact the pastor so he can talk you out of it. No one would come anyway.

Outreach
We’re hyper-Calvinists so we don’t have to do evangelism.

The Ordinances
We’re hyper-Dispensationalists so we don’t have to do baptisms.
We’re hyper-preterists so we don’t have to observe the Lord’s Table (Paul said that we would only have to do it till Christ’s return.)

Statement of Faith

  • We believe that Jesus did all the work in salvation so we don’t have to do anything.
  • Baptism isn’t necessary for salvation so why bother?
  • The Bible is God’s inspired word to us today, we like to call it “Life’s Owner’s Manual” but who reads owner’s manuals any more? Not us, that’s for sure.
  • Our only creed is Christ because none of us could be bothered to read any of the other creeds to decide if they’re any good.
  • Prayer is our speaking to God. However, He already knows what’s best for us and He’s most likely very busy working all things together for our good so we feel its best not to bother Him.
  • End times studies are very time-consuming and confusing so we just go with whatever view is currently promoted in the latest best-selling Christian book or movie.

Zonderhill Publication Announcement

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich., Oct. 20, 2005 – Zonderhill Publishers announced today the release of St. Esophigus’ classic work, “The Purpose Motivated Staying Alive During a Plague.” This wonderful devotional work from a little known saint from Christianity’s past was recently discovered in a cave in Turkey. Scholars have painstakingly restored and translated it into modern, gender-neutral language. Not a medical work, this is about the God-given desire to survive. St. Esophigus’ work is said to have saved thousands of lives in the 4th century during a devastating plague in the city of Gullibulus. St. Esophigus, through this Christ-centered work reminded the survivors of God’s purpose waiting to be fulfilled in their lives.

Hardcover: 116 pages
Publisher: Zonderhill (October 20, 2005)
Language: English
ISBN: 031027519
Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.3 x 1 inches
Shipping Weight: .8 pounds.

St. Esophigus of Thorax

St. Esophigus of Thorax (365-401 AD) was the father of mime and liturgical drama. It is said that he followed St. John Chrysostom around and “warmed up” the worshipers with a skit or mime before Chrysostom preached.

St. Esophigus was the first mime to paint his face white. No one knows why he did it and many historians suggest that the churches he performed in didn’t have a clue who he was or what he was supposed to be doing.

The church in Thebes took him out and stoned him. Well, “stoned” was too strong a term. They drug him out of the church and one five year old threw a rock at him while he was doing the “trapped in a glass box” thing. St. Esophigus immediately improvised his liberation from the box and fled while the crowd ignored him.

His only extant epistle, Propositum Prodigo Ecclesia (“Purpose Motivated Church”), was, by all accounts, a very popular encyclical in the churches of North Africa though Esophigus made very few visits there. According to other writings of that time, it appears that the popularity of Propositum faded after a few years and so Esophigus wrote a series: Propositum Prodigo Vita (“Purpose Motivated Life”), Propositum Prodigo Venum (“Purpose Motivated Sales”), and Propositum Prodigo Vivo Vixi Victum Pestilencia (“Purpose Motivated Staying Alive During a Plague”). Unfortunately we don’t have any copies of these epistles nor are they cited in other works.

St. Esophigus died suddenly and tragically when Chrysostom one day preached from Ezekiel and Esophigus laid on his left side outside the church as a sermon illustration. This went on for a few weeks. Chrysostom moved on after a few days and the church mostly ignored Esophigus who was eventually run over by an ox cart, the driver claimed he hadn’t seen him lying there. After that it became a tradition to take a large step over the threshold when leaving a church in Asia Minor, as if stepping over Esophigus.

In the Eastern Church Esophigus is the patron saint of performance art. In the Roman Catholic Church he is the patron saint of wealthy Christians. He was recently named the patron saint of Rwanda. His feast day is the Friday after Thanksgiving.